Why So Many Men Suck At Love?

Have you ever noticed how parents respond to the interior life of little girls versus little boys?.

As an example, imagine that a little girl is in the park with her mom, and suddenly a child a short distance away begins to cry.  When the little girl asks her mother what's wrong, the mother is likely to talk with her daughter about some reasons why the child might be crying.

"Maybe she is afraid," the mother might say.  Or "maybe she's sad because she can't find her favorite toy" or "maybe some other children were mean to her."  And the mother will frequently ask a little girl, "What do you think?".

But if a little boy is in a similar situation, his mother is much more apt to respond in an abbreviated and non-exploratory way: "I'm not sure what might be going on, but we really shouldn't stare at him - it's not polite."

Notice that the little girl is encouraged to think about emotions, to speculate about where they might be coming from, and to talk about them. 

The little girl's interest in the interior world of emotions has been validated and encouraged.

But for the little boy, he has been subtly discouraged from pursuing this world.

[And then we wonder why men are so ill-equipped to enter this world with the woman they love.]

As another example, imagine that there is a bright burst of lightning followed by a loud clap of thunder.

For a little girl, dad might say something like: "That was a little scary, wasn't it?".

But for a little boy, dad is much more likely to say something like: "Wow, that was loud - you weren't scared, were you?".

The little girl has received the message that it's OK to feel emotions - even fear.

But for the boy, it's going to be tough for him to admit it if he was bothered by the lightning and thunder.

And then add to these interactions with parents the interactions of girls with girls versus boys with boys. 

I can tell you that boys do NOT sit around and talk with each other about how they feel.  This is a blatant violation of the unspoken rules of male behavior... it ranks right up there with not using the urinal next to an occupied one when another urinal is open.

And yet the heart of love is intimacy - and the heart of intimacy is communication.

Many women think that men simply don't want to be intimate.

But for many of us, this is not true. 

Men want (and need) intimacy just as much as women. 

Simply put, many (most?) men suck at love.

We are ill-prepared for this thing that is so central to a rewarding and satisfying life.

Please don't attribute to a lack of desire what can easily be explained by a lack of training.