"Relationship Inventory"

This post is about a frequently overlooked first step towards a sustainable relationship with your current or future partner. Couples find it helpful because it builds the self-reflection and self-awareness that are needed for growing and evolving yourself in your relationship capacities. This first step is called a "Relationship Inventory". With it, you can review, understand, and learn from your past relationships; and then face forward with greater clarity and capacity for creating and sustaining emotional and sexual intimacy in the present and future.

Begin by making a list of all your significant romantic relationships. For each, reflect on and write down what attracted you to that person, per se; and why, at that particular time of your life.


What Was The Pull?
That is, what qualities of that person that attracted you to him or her? Why did those qualities attract you in the first place? Be honest, regardless of how you might feel about those traits today. Consider what role your life circumstances played in the attraction were at the time, including your emotional state and needs.


Describe your level of emotional development and awareness at the time of each of those relationships.

Also, reflect on how your parents' relationship impacted you, in terms of the model they exposed you to of how couples relate. Did they show loving connection, a "functional relationship," or somewhere in between?.

Think about how you viewed sex and relationships as you entered your relationships. Keep in mind that most of us acquire distortions about love and are conditioned into an adolescent model of romance.


Then What Happened?
Write a paragraph or two describing what you think happened during the course of the relationship that led to its ending. Of course, you're looking back from today's vantage point, but try to portray an unvarnished of what happened, and why. Describe, without assigning blame.


Did You Learn Anything?
Next, write down what you think you learned about yourself from each of those relationships that ended. Include what you think you recognized at the time as your blind spots; your own behavior or unexpressed feelings that might have contributed to the failure; or to prolonging the relationship when it would have been healthier to end it sooner. Did you apply what you learned in your next relationship, or did you repeat the same things, despite what you thought you learned?.


Or Not....?
Reflect on what you now realize you didn't learn about yourself in each relationship that would have been helpful to your growth and to your next relationship. Or, what you could have learned from the relationship that ended that would have helped you grow your relationship capacity if you had been more self-aware at the time?.


What Can You Do Now?                                                               
How can you use what you've discovered from the Relationship Inventory in your present life, as you go forward in your current - or next - relationship? For example, can you describe the kind of personality, emotional qualities, life vision, values or "vibes" that mesh well with your own; that promote connection and positive energy between the two of you?.


What changes might you and your partner need to make in how you handle differences, or individual desires? Describe the attitudes and behavior you believe would increase and help sustain intimacy, passion and connection, in contrast, for example, to ongoing frustration over being "heard," "understood" or "accepted" for who you are.