Relationships: Insecurity

What does insecurity in relationships stem from? Past experiences, most likely. How does insecurity manifest itself? It does so through jealousy, doubt and second-guessing. It also does so through mistrust, when no matter what your partner tells you, you find yourself questioning him or her, trying to catch him or her in a lie. If you are in a committed relationship with a partner, the insecurity issues manifesting themselves on a regular basis can damage and even ruin a potentiality of continuing this relationship. No one can be with a mistrusting person for too long, because no matter what is said or done - the questions and the self-proclaimed search for the "truth" may never stop.

Many people feel insecure and nervous when they are meeting someone new for the first time, or just starting a new relationship. This is perfectly normal. At the beginning stages of the dating game, insecurity is a natural part of the process of getting to know a new person. This insecurity may come from being afraid to reveal too much too soon, or from not being able to live up to the seemingly high standards of the other party. This insecurity, if a new relationship has any chance of surviving it on a long-term basis, is a passing feeling, as when two people begin to get to know each other more, they start feeling more at ease and more trusting of one another.

Other insecurities that arise in more seasoned relationships can stem from past experiences and unresolved emotional baggage that sometimes comes with them. Fear of rejection, fear of intimacy or fear of losing an identity are all factors that can play into the insecurities of one or both parties in a relationship. While it is true that no one should enter a new relationship completely openly and trusting - this state of mind is foolish as some people can, that way, take advantage of that vulnerability and trust and wreck havoc and farther damage on a person's psyche. However, it is also true that it is simply not healthy to shut yourself off completely after having a negative experience in the past - this behavior is not conducive to leading into a long-term, intimate relationship.

Shutting yourself off from the world of dating can feel like a safe thing to do - if no one touches your heart, no one can hurt it - but it also acts very much like a prison sentence, in that it dooms you to a life of aloneness. This behavior can come from past break-ups, when you were broken up with or dumped and left with hurt emotions, or it can come from another person not reciprocating your flirtatious advances. Both of these scenarios suck, but lets face it, no one is immune to a heartbreak and everyone has experienced it at least once in his or her lives. Without going through a heartbreak, it may be close to impossible to know how to love or know how to recover and move on. Recovery is precisely what can become a crutch in the evolutionary process towards more mature and meaningful relationships. A heartbreak can help you grow as a person; shutting yourself and wallowing in self-pity and agony will only stagnate your emotional growth.

Fear of intimacy is another reason why some potential relationships fail. No, 'fear of intimacy' does not mean never having sex, and 'not being afraid of intimacy' does not invite you to sleep with your dates as soon as you meet them. Intimacy is the ability to open up to a person about details of your life, being able to trust a person with a secret, trusting that person wholeheartedly. Fear of intimacy is different from fear of commitment - even married people can experience this fear, because too many of them may not know their husband or wife emotionally, intellectually or spiritually. Disclosing yourself to your partner can be one of the harder things that you will get to do in life, and it may seem so much safer to never deal with that anxiety. However, when there exists no mutual self-disclosure between the two people, no farther progression in a relationship can be made.

Finally, fear of losing an identity can be the most terrifying fear of all - becoming a part of someone's life is very different than having another person's life and interests overpower and overtake your own. You may think that when you get involved with another person on an intimate level, you have to cater to his or her needs before your own. While mutual consideration and respect for each other's passions, hobbies and friends is a must, they do not need to become so important in your life that you do not have any room to live out your own passions or hang out with your own friends. Loving without losing yourself in a process is very possible to do and it may take some time to reach that point of being able to love in a smart way without losing your head and your identity.

Of course, insecurity can often stem from a lack of self-esteem. It may derive from not being able to assess your own personal worth, skills or abilities and it has a risky potential of being able to destroy a relationship. This type of insecurity cannot be worked through while you are involved with another person at the same time. Not only would it be impossible to assess all the problems that may come from you but it would also be unfair to your partner to drag him or her through such a personal battle. A lack of self-esteem in a relationship can lead to an eventual alienation of your partner and an inevitable end to any intimate connection. In this case, however, you need to work through the issue on your own, meaning that a relationship is not the right option for you right now. Dealing with the problem on your own and with a help from a therapist is the only way to get back on a healthy path to recovery and a rebuilding of your self-esteem.

If you are feeling insecure about your relationship or about yourself, ask yourself where the real problem might come from, and whether it is solvable or not. Even if your insecurities end your current relationship, there is no reason for them to ruin your next. By working through each problem at a time, you will eventually be able to enter a healthier, more fulfilling relationship, where dating someone no longer comes with a train-full of emotional baggage.