The Stale Relationship: 3 Ways to Shake It Up

The stale couple. There are no recently-discovered affairs going on, no Jerry Springer-like-out-of-control arguments, no underlying porn addictions or even serious mental health problems to derail them. No, there is nothing major going on, and perhaps in some ways that is part of the problem. They talk about not having much in common, not doing much together, feeling disconnected. They are essentially... bored.

This is not all that unusual especially for couples who have been together for a long time. Sometimes this happens because they have been busy with parallel lives - both fully invested in their careers, for example - and over the years their lives have grown wider and wider apart, leaving them with little in common. Other times they have been essentially child centered.

Underneath all this is the simple fact that they have changed as individuals and as a couple. The initial basis for the psychological contract between them - what they needed from each other when they first got together- is no longer there because they have grown and changed thanks to the support of each other. But if the relationship hasn't kept up - if the couple is still locked into Year One routines and rules - and hasn't updated them to fit who they are now - it's understandable that they feel disconnected and adrift.

What to do? If your relationship has or seems to be shifting in that direction, there are few first-aide steps you can start right away. The first is to talk it up. Each partner needs to talk about how they are feeling, how they have changed, what's important in their life right now. It's not an argument or complaint session, it's an updating. Do the reflection then sit down and have the conversation. Simply talking at this level may be a revelation and the intimacy can jump-start you to a deeper level.

Second, you need to shake it up. If you have lost common interests because you've both fallen into a rut and shackled by routines, you need to go out, explore and act on anything that catches your attention - the tango lessons, the Saturday hiking, taking a class together or starting up weekend dinner parties - the wilder the better. The key here is a Try-it attitude. You're discovering new interests and more importantly, creating a new batch of memories together. If you like any of what you try, keep it up; if not, that's fine, move to something else. Whatever you do, don't stay still.

Finally you need to heat it up. We're not only talking about passion here (though that is always a good start even if you have to schedule it to make it happen at first). We're talking about pulling out from under the rug any resentments that have gone the way of the bitten lip over the years that need to be said... Unfinished business. Often by shutting down these more difficult topics and emotions, others are shut down as well. You only talk about certain things like work, and it's no wonder that you are bored. Boredom becomes the wall that you need to tear down.

The fact that you're able to acknowledge the problem in the relationship means you are ready to handle it - seeing the elephant in the room is half the solution to moving it out of the way. The only way you can fail is by continuing to walk around it, rather than taking action.
So take some and see what you discover.