Tips for an Extraordinary Life

This one is for you.   Yes, you.

I know that life can be frustrating and scary and overwhelming sometimes.  I know that pulling up the covers, or numbing the pain with one too many glasses of wine, or distracting ourselves by always being busy doing insignificant shit, is tempting.  I know that rousing ourselves to believe that we are enough and deserving of love can seem exhausting.  I know that having big, bold, audacious dreams can seem lonely sometimes.
Believe me, I know.

The thing is, gorgeous, that this is our life.  This is our shot.  This is our chance at being kind and brilliant and compassionate.  Our time to love hard, and kick our heels up, and create art, and change lives.  Our time to nurture family, and believe in the underdog, and dance naked in the moonlight.

You don’t have to be perfect.  You don’t have to be right.

You just have to be as fully YOU as you can be, because that is your gift to share with the rest of us.

Just you.  You all of the time: in celebration, in pain, in joy, in acceptance.
And on that note, I’d like to share some tips to help you lead an extraordinary life by embracing YOU in all your glory.
Get ready to glow, sunshine!

30 Tips for an Extraordinary Life

1. Practice radical acceptance towards yourself and others.
2. Stop trying to control everything.
3. Laugh.  A lot.
4. Balance your input (reading, watching, learning) with your output (creating, giving, leading).
5. Take amazing care of your body: eat clean, floss, practice yoga, don’t smoke, breathe deeply, be mindful of alcohol, visit the doctor, eat less, move more, sleep 8 hours, get massages, and learn to listen to your inner signals.
6. Celebrate your successes. Celebrate others’ successes.
7. Embrace your strengths and stop worrying so much about your weaknesses.
8. Tell the truth.  Even at work.  Especially with those you love. Most importantly, with yourself.
9. Set boundaries with your time, energy and money.  Respect them.
10. Be colorful.
11. Create meaningful connections and nurture the heck out of them.
12. Save a chunk of your money and give away another chunk. Use the rest on things, adventures, treats, and necessities that truly please you.  Be a conscious consumer.
13. Stop freakin’ comparing yourself to others.
14. Speak up, sing loudly, and raise your voice if something needs saying.
15. Don’t be afraid to love with abandon.  Love is a renewable resource and yes, your heart is resilient.
16. Go outside and play.
17. Ignore the haters. It’s your life, your legacy, your choice.
18. Explore your spirituality.  Connect with something larger than yourself.
19. Share your story.
20. Get clear on your top 8 values.  Honor them daily.
21. Find your balance of deliberate action and spontaneous fun.
22. Challenge the status quo.
23. Be a hero to someone.
24. Practice kindness.
25. Stop taking yourself so seriously.
26. Take your dreams very seriously.
27. Act with personal integrity and be quick to admit mistakes.  Clean up your own messes.
28. Cultivate mindfulness.
29. Seek and spread inspiration.
30. Fall in love with yourself a little more each day: treat yourself kindly, protect your passions, allow yourself space to grow, believe in your gifts, tend your gardens. Fierce love, baby, fierce love.

How to Be Free

Letting go of expectations is hard. Giving up some of the control we exert over every part of our life takes practice. It’s a exercise in freedom. In flying wild. In accepting surprises and quirks and amazing gifts that land in our laps.

So how do you be free? I’m no expert. But believe me when I say I’m practicing letting go every single day.

How to Be Free: A Beginner’s Guide.

1. Let go of expectations regarding success.

Forgive yourself if you suck at letting go of expectations. Try again. And again. Ponder and journal and over analyze the origins of your expectations. Who first told you that you had to go to college and get a job and make a lot of money to be successful? Let go of the figuring out and instead spend your time thinking about how you want to be successful.

Ask yourself questions about what you want to contribute to the world.

Questions about what you have to share. Questions about how you want to show up each and every day.

2. Let go of expectations regarding beauty.

Take a long look at yourself in the mirror. Accept all your beauty. Accept all your perceived flaws. Try really hard to remember that they are not flaws. They are you. And you are beautiful.

Forgive yourself if it’s really hard to let go of your learned expectations of beauty. We’re surrounded by fashion magazines and TV shows and commercials full of society’s definition of beauty. Resolve to stop buying the magazines and watching the shows if they make you feel less worthy.

Stop looking in the mirror for as long as you can. You’re still there. Whole, contributing, dancing, showing up, leaning in. Resist the urge to look “just in case”. Practice feeling beautiful, strong, present without relying on on confirmation from the mirror.

Realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Realize that the only beholder you have control over is you.

Practicing saying, “I am beautiful”. Practicing believing, “I am beautiful”.

Understand there is so much more to beauty than the size of your jeans, the length of your lashes, the hip factor of your style. Let go of unrealistic expectations combed from media, your mother’s neurosis, your girlfriends better whatever, your own striving towards perfection. Let go of striving. Live. Love. Accept. Relax.

Realize this is hard. Practice. Understand that accepting your own beauty means you are free.

3. Let go of expectations regarding happiness.

Catch yourself every time you play the if, then game. If I get this promotion, then I’ll be happy. If he asks me to marry him, then I’ll be happy. If she @’s me on Twitter, then I’ll be happy. Realize this is a trick you play on yourself. An evil, disappointing, unrealistic trick.

Happiness is an inside job. Happiness is not nearly as dependent on outside factors as our expectations have led us to believe.

Shower yourself in love. In acceptance. In understanding that quirks and passions and taking an active role in your own life is what brings about joy. Let go of what others say “should” make you happy. Practice understanding what tickles you, makes you smile, gives you the sense of being gloriously alive. Hot? Cold? Only you know.

Realize that you are happy painting your days away in your pajamas. Realize that you are happy on a walk in the autumn leaves. Realize that you are happy winking at the gas station man. Understand that it’s okay to be happy.

Allow yourself to wake up happy every morning, regardless of the situation, instead of waking up stressed out and anxious about the day ahead of you. Practice this until it feels normal.

Start doing the things that make you happy more often. Let go of the expectation that this means you are selfish, flighty or wasting time. Stop doing so many of the things that make you unhappy. Understand that it feels odd.

Share your new outlook with others. Be okay with the fact that many of them will say they “can’t” stop doing the things that make them unhappy. Hope that someday they’ll realize that they can.

Accept that by taking control over your own happiness, you have set yourself free.

Stay Classy: Texting Etiquette

Texting is something that has become a main part of our daily communication. I probably text my friends and family more than I actually speak with them on the phone. These days, I really only place a call when I need an immediate answer from someone or the explanation of what I’m trying to communicate will simply take too long over text.

Texts are expedient, unlimited, (unfortunately addicting), and a nice way to reach out to someone without feeling like you may be reaching them at a bad time. The recipient can always get back to you when it’s convenient for them…. (which will most likely be within five minutes).

As fantastic as texting is, there are, of course, a handful of little guidelines and text-iquette suggestions that can help keep the lines of SMS communication flowing smoothly.

The obvious offenders here:

• Similar to email, texts have no tone of voice. Sarcasm and dry humor will most certainly be lost on your recipient.
• Don’t text while you’re in the middle of a person to person conversation. It communicates to the party you’re speaking with that whatever they have to say takes a back seat to your text conversation.
• Don’t text while driving. Not only is it not safe, it can land you a driving ticket worth a pretty penny.
• Don’t use text to communicate serious news and information. Topics off limits include: Formal invitations, life announcements, or dumping anyone. The casualness of SMS diminishes the importance of your message.

Other suggestions you may want to consider:

• If you’ve had an ongoing conversation via text with someone, consider sending a wrap up message. Something as simple as “Sounds good, let’s touch base about this in a day…” or whatever might be appropriate in context. This can help communicate to the other party that you putting a period on the conversation for now.
• Leave the slang to the kids. I know someone who is a huge offender with this. Unfortunately, we exchange a lot of texts back and forth. More often than not, it takes me longer to figure out what they meant to say and I just end up calling for an explanation.
• Don’t get upset if you don’t get an immediate reply. Remember, by texting you’re setting the urgency of a response low. The recipient will think it’s OK to get back to you when they can.

Finally, as hard as it may sound, don’t be afraid to turn your phone off from time to time. There are very few things in life that can’t wait a couple hours for a response. I’ve even considered taking a “texting and social Sabbath” … one day a week where I rest and completely remove myself from non-personal interaction. Though this may sound a little extreme to some of you, think of the things you may be able to accomplish during this time. Coffee with an old friend, volunteer, attack the spring cleaning, take a long walk with the dog… the ideas are endless, and we may just find that texting is best used to enhance personal communication, not replace it.

Why Wear Lingerie?

One of the things I’ve found myself asking a lot lately is “Why Lingerie?”  Why is it worth talking about?  Why is it worth spending money on?  Why is it worth wearing in the first place?  That may seem like a strange set of questions, but I believe they’re relevant to every woman.  Just what exactly is the point of lingerie?

Most lingerie advertisements focus on how we look in our underwear, especially on how we look to our significant others.  Think of the Victoria’s Secret “What is sexy?” campaign.  Or the Agent Provocateur commercial with Kylie Minogue riding a mechanical bull.  Or even the recently controversial Lane Bryant ad where the model, Ashley Graham, puts on her fanciest lingerie in preparation for a romantic evening with her paramour.  The promise behind each of these campaigns is “You too can look this sexy for your partner if you just buy our lingerie.”

There’s nothing wrong with that approach, of course.  After all, who doesn’t want to look good?  But to me those commercials miss the big picture.  Lingerie isn’t just about how you look.  It’s also about how you feel…even if no one ever sees what you’re wearing underneath your clothes.

Lingerie gives every woman a way to express the sensual side of her femininity, no matter what environment she works in or what her public face has to be.  It’s a little secret between you and your knickers drawer, a secret that makes you walk a little straighter, smile a little wider, and just feel all around more confident.

Better still, lingerie is an affordable indulgence, even in the midst of a recession.  Maybe a La Perla bustier isn’t in your budget, but a pair of black fishnets are.  An Agent Provocateur nightgown might break the bank, but a few cheerfully colored thongs wouldn’t.  That Aubade bra set would set you back a couple hundred, but a comfy bathrobe doesn’t have to.  In an economy where deprivation is the new normal, lingerie can give instant and accessible gratification, in much the same way cosmetics do.

I found a few websites with beautiful lingerie, other than your typical Victoria Secrets, check them out ;)

http://www.bordelle.co.uk/

http://www.dirtyprettythings.uk.com/home

http://www.nicholedecarle.com/

http://madebyniki.co.uk/

http://www.agentprovocateur.com/

3 Keys to Finding Love and Hanging On to It

If you want to be happy in your relationship, what are the most important ingredients?  Everybody has a theory about what it takes to live happily ever after, and no two people seem to agree.  So let's look instead at what science tells us will lead to relationship bliss, and how best to tackle three of the major challenges we face when trying to find, and keep, that Special Someone.

#1.  What to Look For In a Mate:  Someone Agreeable, Conscientious, and Emotionally Stable

According to research on relationship satisfaction, people with spouses who are agreeable, conscientious, and emotionally stable report being significantly happier in their marriages.  So if your romantic partner is a sourpuss, selfish and irresponsible, and has a tendency to fly off the handle, your chances of finding marital bliss together are not good. 

Look for someone generally pleasant, responsible, and even-tempered, and in fairness to them, be willing to return the favor.

#2. How to Know If He (or She) Loves You Back:  It's The Little Things

"If you really loved me, you would...."

Everyone who's ever been in a relationship has had thoughts like this one.  If he loved me he would bring me flowers, or compliment me more often, or remember my birthday, or remember to take out the damn garbage.  When it comes to love, actions speak louder than words, right?.

Well, not necessarily.  According to new research, romantic feelings like love, intimacy, and commitment reliably lead to some loving behaviors - the smaller, spontaneous acts of kindness that occur without much forethought, like offering a backrub, making a nice dinner, or letting you have the last brownie in the pan.  These "little things" are a much better indicator of the depth of his love than whether or not he remembers your birthday or to take out the trash. 

#3  How to Fight Well:  Treat Little Problems and Big Problems Differently

The best way to deal with conflict in a relationship depends on how serious or severe the problem is.  Did your boyfriend drink too much at the party last night, or is he drinking too much every night?  Did your wife splurge a little too much on clothes last month, or are her spending habits edging you closer and closer to bankruptcy?  Did he invite his mother to dinner without discussing it with you first, or did he invite his mother to live with you without discussing it first?  Little problems and big problems require very different approaches if you want to have a lasting, happy relationship.

When it comes to relatively minor problems, direct fighting strategies - like placing blame on your partner for their actions or expressing your anger - predict a loss of relationship satisfaction over time.   Flying off the handle when he forgets to take out the garbage yet again, or when she spends a little too much money on a pricey pair of shoes, is going to take its toll on your happiness in the long run.  You really are better off letting the small stuff go. 

On the other hand, in response to major problems, couples who battle it out do a better job of tackling, and eventually resolving those issues, than those who sweep big problems under the carpet.

So when you are deciding whether or not something is worth fighting over with your partner, ask yourself if, in the scheme of things, the problem is a 10 or a 2.  If it's a 2, try letting it go.  But if it's a 10, let the battle begin.  You'll both be happier that way.

Lovesick? Or heartbroken? The diet starts today.

Is all this lovey-dovey stuff really all it's cracked up to be? Does being love-struck make you slim and gorgeous, or transform you into a big gelatinous ball of loved-up blubber?...
Research suggests it's a bit of both.


First let's take the early stage of a relationship. When you fall in love the brain releases huge amounts of a chemical called dopamine - sometimes thought of as a ‘desire' chemical due to its important role in the experience of reward and motivation.


Eating tasty high-calorie foods also produces dopamine. But the tingle you get from a Krispy Kreme donut pales in comparison with the rush you get from being in the throes of a torrid love affair - probably because your genes figured out a long time ago that the latter can end up leading to replication.


So the initial stages of a relationship can actually make you lose weight.


But what about when you've been in the relationship a little while longer? And what happens if you move in together and get married?.


Well no-one should underestimate the motivating power of the imminent threat of the wedding photographer to inspire radical size reduction - in the run-up to their weddings many brides (and some grooms) lose figure-transforming amounts of fat.


But when the dopamine storm settles many people in long-term relationships find they end up tipping the scales in the opposite direction. This is probably in part because all of those comfy evenings on the sofa contemplating one's blissful contentment while munching take-out. And for women, having kids can also lead to creeping weight gain - especially if too much weight is gained during pregnancy.


It doesn't always happen this way, mind you...


Studies of people who need to improve their diet for health reasons find that those with supportive spouses do very well (at least better than those with less supportive spouses...). And sometimes marriages can even cause an excess of weight loss: research suggests that marital discord can trigger unhealthy dieting behaviors.
So how can you use all this information if you want to lose weight, not gain it? The evidence supports a five-stage plan.


Step One: Fall madly in love and embark on passionate, dopamine-inspiring love affair leading to proposal of marriage.


Step Two: Engage in sensible pre-wedding diet plan with highly-motivating goal of not looking like a beached whale in wedding albums for time immemorial.


(Note that you can skip Step Two if you are planning and funding the wedding yourself. This is because the stress will slim you down in a matter of weeks. Also, you will no longer be able to afford to buy food.)


Step Three: Enjoy blissful health-filled marriage united by joint mission to substitute salads and smoothies for sundaes and soda.


Step Four (women only): Don't have children. Or if you must then try really hard to avoid eating for two fully-grown people, when you're actually just feeding yourself and a fetus. I imagine that this is considerably more difficult than I am making it sound.


Step Five: Undergo messy and traumatic divorce. Best-selling author Liz Gilbert lost 15 pounds by this method. (Don't worry - she gained it all back again stuffing her face with pizza and gelato in Naples.)


I'm being tongue-in-cheek, of course...


Love is obviously much more than a weight loss tool. And few people want to slim down badly enough that they'd willingly proceed to that highly-effective but thoroughly unpleasant final stage of the proposed diet plan.


But any brave souls who do so can at least find nourishment by reflecting on this little titbit: Steps One to Four are infinitely more fun than Step 5 and the Love Diet can be iterative.Whether you're married, single, or in a relationship.

Get Your Mojo Working

Although the word "mojo" is defined often as a type of magical charm, its origins can be traced to the African Congo where "moyo" means soul or life force. in general use "mojo" also means that special spark of creative energy between people.

Any two people can connect on any combination of levels or "identities". Let's face it: some people form relationships in which the mojo works on all fronts while other pairs have it going on in some areas but not others. Couples that connect on all levels not only share common values, interests and goals, they are also intellectually compatible, emotionally suited to one another in terms of basic temperament, and physically connected with zingy chemistry. On the other hand, some couples have a fantastic intellectual connection that flows easily, but they are physically disconnected and show little affection toward each other. Some have a strong spiritual connection but no sexual chemistry. Still others have great sexual chemistry but few shared values or visions. And for many couples, the whole question of purpose-both individually and as a couple-has gone un - or under- addressed.

Mojo and Consciousness

Relationships can work when couples are conscious of why they are together and are content with what they do have. These are the relationships that truly thrive. The goal is not to force connection where there isn't one, but to bridge the areas where a gap exists and fill it with awareness rather than resentment. What if we could tell the truth about that instead of hurting each other with it? One of the many pitfalls. Couples fall into a tendency to propagate negative thoughts such as: "he doesn't meet me on an intellectual level," or, "she isn't as affectionate as I am." We all tend to create stories in our heads that are full of assumptions about our partner's feelings.

For Everyone in All Relationships

The following series of questions is designed to help you discover and decipher what may be keeping you from boosting your relationship mojo...

The key question for me is: In relationships, when there is any conflict, Do you want to be right or close?

Do you try to control conversations? Sometimes? Often? Never? If you do, are you aware of it in the moment?

What feelings come up in you when you meet a new person? How comfortable do you feel with others in general? Just reflect for a moment on any such dynamics in your interactions with others.

Do you tend to hold back in conversations, or take a passive role because you lack confidence or don't know how to fully participate? If you do, are you aware of this in the moment? What are the feelings underneath your holding back or being reserved?.

Do you "dump" your feelings, opinions and upsets on your spouse, family, friends, co-workers, boss? If so, are you aware of doing this in the moment?.

Do you withhold your feelings from your spouse, family, friends, co-workers, or boss? If so, are you aware of doing this in the moment?.

Pick three important people in your life. Now, think of feelings or of anything you would like to share with them, but don't. Do you know why you hold back?.

Do you habitually cover up your feelings in front of others, whether by being serious, withdrawn or shut down, hyper and chatty, or by making jokes and being flippant? If so, are you aware of doing what you are doing in the moment?.

Are you aware of what your body is doing when you talk? Do your hands move? How congruent are you, meaning, do your face and body language match what you're feeling and speaking?.

Having examined your level of awareness in your relations, do you see patterns you would like to change?.

Do you have a clear sense of situations where you are generally inhibited, uneasy or passive; or where you are relatively confident, uninhibited and dynamic? Do you see "stuck" places you would like to move beyond?.

Do you see how you can get your Mojo working? Work it baby!!!.

When Men Are Boys and Wives Are Mothers

Why do relationships become dysfunctional? There are a myriad of possible answers. Here is a notable one: The tendency for the male partner to become the child in the relationship, while his female partner becomes the mother. People react to this topic as if it is a common phenomenon that most people are aware of. Yet many couples continue to fall into this trap and few people understand how it might occur. It's common sense yet people aren't conscious of it when it happens in their relationship. The mother-child dynamic can happen in a multitude of ways.

First, let's look at role models. Research has demonstrated that there are general differences in the way fathers and mothers care for a child. Mothers take on the day-to-day caregiving activities and responsibilities: Doctor appointments, extra curricular activities, checking the homework. Fathers are, however, associated with play. In fact, many fathers even turn responsibilities into play. For me, getting my son to school in the mornings becomes a race against the clock. Children learn that men are associated with play and women with responsibility.

A second aspect, though it may be fading in this generation, is that men are taught to suppress certain emotions. Crying, for example, is unmanly. Young men must keep their feelings in check and deal with them in some undetermined, unexpressed, internal fashion. This internalizing will then result in a magical fix. Internalizing may work for some feelings, but in regard to relationships it can be detrimental.

The man matures and now enters a relationship. While in the courting stage his playfulness and childlike charm is attractive and endearing. As the relationship progresses there may be signs and attempts to curtail some of that playful behavior. Once he is married there is often a shift for the man to become more responsible and "grown-up."

For many married men, the wife may start to become a mother figure. She may encourage less play (hanging out with friends, heavy drinking, etcetera) and behaving in a more grown-up fashion. Here is the male take on this sea change: "Before we got married she had fun, too. She and I would go to a club together, she would drink and we would dance. Now she wants no part of it." This mothering behavior often becomes even more pronounced when children enter the relationship.

Another aspect that affects the relationship: the tendency for men to feel slighted when a child comes along. Most men would have difficulty admitting this, but it's a hard fact to deny. This combination of feeling slighted and suppressing feelings is a recipe for a relationship disaster. Many men will never voice their feelings, instead they look to fill their void from attention elsewhere. Much of this might be unconscious with both partners unaware of what is happening.

There is no point in blaming either party, but both men and women need to understand that these learned roles are negatively impacting their relationship.

Recognizing the root of these behaviors is not enough. People do not have to accept these roles, and can become aware of them and alter them before the relationship is damaged. Men may be inclined to be more playful, and women to be more motherly, but with knowledge of the roots of these motivations, partners can have improved understanding, compassion, and dialogue.

"Relationship Inventory"

This post is about a frequently overlooked first step towards a sustainable relationship with your current or future partner. Couples find it helpful because it builds the self-reflection and self-awareness that are needed for growing and evolving yourself in your relationship capacities. This first step is called a "Relationship Inventory". With it, you can review, understand, and learn from your past relationships; and then face forward with greater clarity and capacity for creating and sustaining emotional and sexual intimacy in the present and future.

Begin by making a list of all your significant romantic relationships. For each, reflect on and write down what attracted you to that person, per se; and why, at that particular time of your life.


What Was The Pull?
That is, what qualities of that person that attracted you to him or her? Why did those qualities attract you in the first place? Be honest, regardless of how you might feel about those traits today. Consider what role your life circumstances played in the attraction were at the time, including your emotional state and needs.


Describe your level of emotional development and awareness at the time of each of those relationships.

Also, reflect on how your parents' relationship impacted you, in terms of the model they exposed you to of how couples relate. Did they show loving connection, a "functional relationship," or somewhere in between?.

Think about how you viewed sex and relationships as you entered your relationships. Keep in mind that most of us acquire distortions about love and are conditioned into an adolescent model of romance.


Then What Happened?
Write a paragraph or two describing what you think happened during the course of the relationship that led to its ending. Of course, you're looking back from today's vantage point, but try to portray an unvarnished of what happened, and why. Describe, without assigning blame.


Did You Learn Anything?
Next, write down what you think you learned about yourself from each of those relationships that ended. Include what you think you recognized at the time as your blind spots; your own behavior or unexpressed feelings that might have contributed to the failure; or to prolonging the relationship when it would have been healthier to end it sooner. Did you apply what you learned in your next relationship, or did you repeat the same things, despite what you thought you learned?.


Or Not....?
Reflect on what you now realize you didn't learn about yourself in each relationship that would have been helpful to your growth and to your next relationship. Or, what you could have learned from the relationship that ended that would have helped you grow your relationship capacity if you had been more self-aware at the time?.


What Can You Do Now?                                                               
How can you use what you've discovered from the Relationship Inventory in your present life, as you go forward in your current - or next - relationship? For example, can you describe the kind of personality, emotional qualities, life vision, values or "vibes" that mesh well with your own; that promote connection and positive energy between the two of you?.


What changes might you and your partner need to make in how you handle differences, or individual desires? Describe the attitudes and behavior you believe would increase and help sustain intimacy, passion and connection, in contrast, for example, to ongoing frustration over being "heard," "understood" or "accepted" for who you are.

The Paradox of Confidence

As with many goals that we struggle to attain, we tend to go after them in a way that blocks our success.

Quite often individuals who quest for more self-esteem - more internal security and confidence - actually get in their own way. Typically, they are prone to measuring and judging themselves against others.
Such individuals attribute more confidence to others and arrange to always fall short in their comparisons. They see their vulnerability as a weakness and try to mask it. That is the source of the problem. We are all vulnerable and insecure in one way or another. When we accept that vulnerability and no longer seek to hide it, we are actually strong!.

The person who tries to act strong or confident may well be masking their concerns and doing so serves to exacerbate the problem. We do this when we are more concerned by what we think someone else thinks of us than coming into acceptance with our own self.

There's a paradox here. Embracing your vulnerability and no longer hiding from it means that you're no longer concerned about others' judgment of you. When you act in such a manner your relationship with yourself surges. This is strength and confidence!.

The more you do this the more you will actually grow in confidence. So the paradox to being more confident is that you need to accept and embrace your frailty, and, then, your confidence will likely grow. If you try to disguise your insecurity, you betray yourself and stay mired in insecurity.

In other words, you need to engage the paradox of confidence, release your fears and gro in the process.


 

Promises Promises

"Don't promise me forever
Don't promise me the sun and sky
Don't pretend to know you'll never make me cry
Just hold me now
And promise me you'll try." Jennifer Lopez.

"Promises are the uniquely human way of ordering the future, making it predictable and reliable to the extent that this is humanly possible." Hannah Arendt.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." Clinton's aide George Stephanopolous.

A promise is a kind of declaration in which you say that you will do or refrain from doing something in the future. Can we predict the future?.

Is it proper to make romantic promises? Can we promise to love each other for the rest of our life? Can we promise to be faithful?.

Being human involves thinking and planning for the future, and it is proper for humans to make plans for the future and to express those plans to other people. But as the future does not merely depend upon us, a promise cannot definitely predict all future states of affairs. It cannot even predict our own actions since we cannot know what we will want to do and how we will feel in the future.

There are two crucial components in a promise: (a) the type of activity that the promise undertakes to do, and (b) the content of the promise.

When a promise is understood as a certainty and as a fully guaranteed commitment to act in a certain manner in the future, it is generally somewhat problematic since it assumes information about the future that cannot be verified at the present moment. A softer and more appropriate type of promise refers not to a fully committed action, but to a wish to do something or to try to do it. For example, it seems improper to promise your beloved to make her the happiest person in the world, as certain circumstances beyond your control, such as a fatal illness or an accident, might prevent her from enjoying such happiness. It is, however, proper to promise to try to do your best to make her as happy as you possibly can.

A promise expresses our intention at the moment it is given, and this is something that we can, and even should, say to our beloved. When someone says that he loves his partner so much and intends to take care of her for the rest of his life, he expresses his genuine attitude and it is appropriate for him to do so. Here, a promise is not meaningless. In this sense, Mark Twain was right to claim that "Better a broken promise than none at all." A broken promise at least expresses a good intention to try to achieve what was promised.
It is more difficult to promise to love each other till death do us part. Love is not in our full control; we cannot always control our love. Love is a complex experience that can change. We can nevertheless say that we promise to do our best to provide the optimal circumstances for this love to last for a long time. We can also add that in light of our current profound love, this promise is likely to be fulfilled.

Promises express reality, but not necessarily that of the future; rather, they emerge from the reality of the present, and the wish to have the promise fulfilled in the future is added. Since people always look to the future (maybe even more than they look to the past or the present), it is proper for us to make such promises.

Is it proper to ask the beloved to make various promises to me?
In principle, yes, as long as the promise is understood in its soft form as a sincere intention to try to do or to maintain something. Revealing our emotions and intentions to each other is quite appropriate. It is proper for you to ask me whether I love you in the sense that at this moment, I want to be with you for the rest of my life; it is proper for me to reveal that I do not want to be with you just for a short time or for merely sexual purposes. It is proper for the lover to know whether her beloved intends to be loyal to her.

If a promise is all about revealing our intention to try to do something, in many cases it is appropriate to reveal this intention to people who may be affected by the implementation of the intention. Nevertheless, the issue of privacy is of value as well, and accordingly we are not obliged to describe all our intentions and to reveal them to everyone.

To sum up, although many people would agree (with Napoleon Bonaparte) that the best way to keep one's promise is not to give it, promises have a useful function in human life in general and in the romantic realm in particular. However, their usefulness typically lies in that they express our intentions to try to do certain activities or maintain certain feelings in the future, rather than when they seek to describe a fully determined future.

How To Not Lose the "Me" When Becoming A "We"

Typical relationship scenario: You start out feeling like the very best version of yourself that you have ever been and before you know it, you are digging around in the relationship looking for some remnant of that person you were when you fell in love. "Where did I put that person? Where is that "Me"? And how did I get lost in the "We" that you and I have become? And come to think of it, where did you go? I haven't seen that person in a long time either!"

The question is: how to be in a relationship and not lose yourself; how to be part of a We without losing Me.

What makes being in a relationship tricky is that it provides the opportunity for two completely different experiences. On the one hand, it is an opportunity for two individuals to be supported by each other's appreciation and love for the person their partner is. Both partners are enhanced by such an association, and flourish and grow as people.

On the other hand, people can go into a relationship with a fantasy that the union will assuage their insecurities, hurts and unresolved issues from their past. Within this illusion of fusion, or fantasy bond, both individuals begin to deteriorate as they repeat their early attachment patterns and retreat to childish or parental ways of relating.

So what can people do to make sure that their relationship is one in which they and their partner thrive? And what can they not do to make sure that their relationship is not having a stultifying effect on either of them?.

WHAT TO DO

The goal in a relationship is to be close and still maintain an identity as a separate person. When people are in an individuated state, they are happier and more optimistic. They have a stronger sense of themselves so they are capable of more intimacy, love and passion in their relationship.

Ways To Stay Yourself In A Relationship

Maintain your interests. When two people fall in love, they experience themselves and each other as separate individuals with distinct identities, and their own ideas, interests and friends.  Their individuality makes them interesting to each other.

* Maintain interests that were important to you before becoming involved in your relationship.

* Keep up friendships that were important to you when you were single.

* Encourage your partner to maintain interests that have always been meaningful to him/her.

* Support your partner maintaining friendships that were important to him/her before knowing you.

Establish meaningful communication. Two people sharing life together have much to talk about. It is important for them to develop an open and compassionate style of talking and listening to one another.

* Keep your communication with your partner meaningful by making sure it is more than from just small talk, superficial chit-chat or practical conversations. 

* Make time to sit down together and talk about yourselves personally.

* Make eye contact with one another when you talk.

* Don't just discuss your relationship or the kids; each of you should make a point to talk about him/herself while the other listens.

* Listen to your partner with compassion and without judgment; with the same respect you would offer any other human being.

Give importance to your sexual relationship. Sexuality is not only an intimate expression of love between two people, it is a significant aspect of who you are as an adult. Pay attention to your sexuality: enjoy the playfulness of flirting, the tenderness of affectionate contact, and the passion of lovemaking.

* Be flirtatious: it's intimate, sexy and it's fun! It is also a way of acknowledging each other as a separate people.

* Make time to be romantic, plan a date night. Give romance equal time with the other aspects of your life together (children, career, etc.).

* Be fully present in your lovemaking. Maintain eye contact, talk; shut out the rest of the world and really be together.

WHAT NOT TO DO

The idea of finding your "missing piece" or "soul mate" is based on misconceptions about needing someone else to be made complete. Unfortunately, to try to accomplish this, a person has to be less than they are. In the process of giving up part of themselves, they come to resent their partner. To avoid this:

Don't assume you know what your partner is feeling. Just because you are a couple and know each other well, does not mean that you have the same perceptions, thoughts and ideas. And don't assume you know how your partner sees you; we often project our negative self-image on to our loved one and imagine them sharing that viewpoint.

* Don't speak as a unit, as "we."

* Don't speak for your partner.  Don't complete each other's sentences.

* Don't assume that there is no more to know about your partner. It does him/her an injustice to assume that there are no more ways that he/she can surprise or delight you. 

Don't let a role replace real relating. In a fantasy bond, fantasy takes the place of reality. The form of a relationship is substituted for the substance of a relationship.

* Don't get caught up in the role of being in a couple and lose track of each of your unique characteristics that went into making your relationship unique.

* Don't use conventional symbols of love to take the place of genuine, personal expressions of love.

* Don't get into the role of being either the parent or child with each other. Don't give up relating as the two equal adults that you actually are.

Don't idealize or denigrate your partner.  When a fantasy bond first develops, partners tend to idealize each other. But as they become aware of one another's shortcomings, they over-react because their fantasy is being disrupted. They become cynical and disillusioned, and critical of each other. Neither idealization nor cynicism has a place in a relationship between two adults who see each other as real people with positive attributes, amusing idiosyncrasies and personal limitations and flaws.  

* Don't distort your partner so that you can see him/her as perfect.

* Don't try to avoid seeing your partner's flaws.

* Don't punish your partner for not living up to your idealization of him/her.

* Don't exaggerate your partner's negative traits because they shatter your fantasy of who they are.

Don't stop your loving behaviors.  With a fantasy bond, partners treat each other as extensions of themselves and they start to take one another for granted. They withhold the desirable qualities in themselves that their partner especially appreciates.

* Don't take your partner for granted; express your appreciation for who they are and for ways they are loving and kind to you.

* Don't withhold personal characteristics and behaviors that your partner especially values.

* Don't let a fantasy of being in love take the place of actions that actually express love.

7 Do's & 7 Don't's of Lost Love Etiquette

So you want to contact a lost love?. 

I've learned that there are some approaches that work better than others and some that don't work at all.

So to begin, here are some useful ideas to keep in mind when you make that reconnection:

The Seven Don't's:

1) Don't immediately talk about how you always loved the person and hope you can get together again. You will probably scare the person away.

2) Don't pry with lots of personal questions. Let the person share at his or her own comfort speed.

3) Don't complain about your current or ex- romantic partners/spouse.

4) Don't say anything bad about your lost love's family.

5) As an initial contact, do not call. Email an office address (not a home), or contact privately through a social media site.

6) If your lost love backs away after an exchange or two, don't pester. Trust that the person will return. And don't expect too much too soon.

7) If there is no reply at all, don't assume. Your lost love may have feelings for you, but may be married and want to protect the marriage from those feelings. Your lost love may instinctively know, "Don't go there." Let it go. Some people who contact me say they are shocked that their lost loves accused them of stalking: unwanted, compulsive contact will not help you to reunite. 

The Seven Do's:

1) Keep the first email light. You've had time to think about writing and you have chosen a time that works for you. But this is going to hit your lost love out of the blue. Just say "hi, how are you? I've thought about you over the years. If you want to write, I'd like to hear from you." END.

2) Talk about the past first, the fun times, but not the emotions of your early romance. Leave that for later.


3) Talk about the in between years: your education and career, marriage/divorce and children, how your parents are doing (if your lost love knew them), what you enjoy doing for fun. If you are writing through a social media site, they will know all this already, but it's nice to write personally about it to your lost love anyway.

4) In a later letter, explore why you separated, give apologies as needed.

5) Keep your obsession under control and out of sight. Write to a friend, not to your lost love compulsively.

6) Alternate contact. You will be tempted to fire off a barrage of email, but wait to hear from your lost love before you write again. This will be difficult. Do it anyway.

7) Do not reply within the first few minutes of getting each response. I am not suggesting this as "game playing"; you just don't want to respond instantly because it puts pressure on your lost love to do likewise.

Not everyone has time to write every day (or several times a day). And if your lost love feels that he/she can't please you, the person might back away.

And before you begin, write down some things to think about:

Think about what you want from this reconnection, rather than going blindly forward. Look around the corners at all the possibilities. Can you handle any of the scenarios that might result from your contact? Is there a possible outcome that would be unacceptable to you, or very difficult? How would you handle that? Will you tell your significant other about your lost love before you make contact? If not, why not?.

Wait a few days, then follow your heart... and your head.

Relationship: Miscommunciation

Too Much Miscommunication in Your Relationship? A Simple Fix

"I'm sure he understood what I meant."

"I'm sure it was obvious to her how I felt."

 "It goes without saying..."

The most common source of miscommunication in any relationship is a very simple one:  people routinely fail to realize how little they are actually communicating.  In other words, we think we've said a lot more than we actually have.

Psychologists call this the signal amplification bias (because they can't resist slapping esoteric names on things - calling it the "I'm Sure It Was Obvious" Effect would be much more to the point.)

Studies show that the vast majority of us tend to believe that our behavior is much more expressive than it actually is, and this occurs across a wide variety of situations. 

For instance, we often think people know when we're lying - that our discomfort with deception is obvious - when they rarely have any idea.  We also assume that others understand our goals and what we're trying to accomplish, when in fact they don't have the first clue.  Most of what we say and do every day is open to multiple interpretations, and when other people try to figure out what we really mean, they are apt to guess wrong.

We are even more likely to be "sure it was obvious" with people we know well - when it comes to friends, family, and romantic partners, we assume our thoughts and behaviors are particularly transparent, when they are far from it.  So, ironically, the risk of miscommunication is greater with your spouse than it is with a stranger.

When we assume that other people know what we're thinking, and what we are expecting of them, we do them a real disservice.    Assuming that we've been clear about what we wanted, we blame them when things don't go the way we expected, or when we feel our needs are going unmet.   Also, assuming that your feelings of love and caring for the important people in your life "go without saying" is a great way to leave them feeling unloved and uncared for.

The next time you catch yourself thinking "I didn't expressly say that to Bob, but it should be obvious..." STOP.  Nothing is ever obvious unless you made it obvious by spelling it out. 

Remove the phrase "It goes without saying" from your mental lexicon, because it is total rubbish.  If something is important, then it goes WITH saying.  Make a point of saying exactly what you mean or feel, and asking for exactlywhat you need, and you will be pleasantly surprised by often you get it.

Friendship: 7 Tips For Saying NO

Saying NO can unravel a friendship but sometimes there's no way around it.

Of course, when someone's a true friend, as opposed to a frenemy, you want to help the person out, however and whenever you can. But some requests are too frequent, over-the-top and inappropriate. So I wanted to offer further thoughts to help someone say NO when they really need to:

1- Don't wait until you're fed up.
Whether it's a spouse, lover or friend, when you squelch your feelings, you're eventually going to explode. You can ignore little things but if your friend has really upset you or is grates on you by doing the same things repeatedly, don't let ill feelings fester too long. Initiate a discussion about the problem when you're calm and before you've built up resentment.

2- Don't feel guilty. You can't say yes to everything.
Even the best of friends don't always agree or see things eye to eye. Your friend may think it's perfectly reasonable to ask a favor of you but you may feel otherwise. True friends have to be sensitive to each other's feelings and be willing to accept NO for an answer when it's reasonable. Sure, we all want to help out our friends and support them but if the personal cost of saying yes is too great, either morally or logistically, its okay to say NO.

3- If your friend can't accept NO for an answer, recognize it as her problem not yours.
Some people are extremely self-centered and demanding, to the point of taking their friends (and others) for granted. Your friend may be overwhelmed by problems or just totally wrapped up in herself. This person may have a hard time accepting NO under any circumstances, particularly if she is accustomed to hearing you say yes. In this case, you need to be firm and not back down.

4- Carefully consider why you've decided to say NO.
Saying NO always has ramifications for a relationship so mull over why you've decided to say NO and whether it's appropriate. It's easy to fall into the trap of saying NO to a reasonable request if someone has made too many unreasonable ones in the past. Examine each situation on a case-by-case basis.

5- Try to say NO as graciously as you can.
Saying NO doesn't have to come off harsh and can actually be couched in some tender terms to help soften the blow. You might say, "I wish I could but" or "I really can't because..." Providing a reasonable explanation of why you're saying NO always helps the other person understand your decision.

6- When you're both relaxed, talk about limits and boundaries in friendships.
Even the best of friendships require minor tune-ups to remain vital. Good friends need to be able to communicate regularly to make sure the relationship works for both people. If you feel your boundaries are being violated, it's better to talk about it before it becomes explosive.

7- If you are unable to say NO, even when you want to, find out what's holding you back.
Some people are unable to say NO because their need to be liked is so great and their self-confidence is so lacking. If you have this problem and it's interfering with your relationships-personal or professional-you may want to speak to a counselor, coach, or mental health professional who can help you better understand the problem and address it.