Home Remedies: For Hangovers

Well, you partied from sundown to sunup, and now you're paying the price. You've got the pounding headache, the queasiness, the dizziness, the sensitivity to light and sound, the muscle aches and the irritability that comes from overconsumption of alcoholic beverages. How quickly last night's fun turns into next morning's nightmare when you have a hangover!.

Although we don't like to think of it as such, especially when we're having such a good time, alcohol is actually a drug. It's a depressant, and when taken in excess, it fills your body with toxins. Your body reacts as it would to any drug overdose: It tries to metabolize and get rid of the offending substances.

The best way to prevent a hangover is, of course, drinking in moderation or abstaining from alcohol. But keeping yourself well-hydrated and well-nourished when you're drinking can go a long way toward minimizing the morning-after symptoms.

The best cure for a hangover: time. Of course, people ignore prevention and don't have "time" for the cure. So, here are some remedies to ease the suffering for those who have had one drink too many.

1: Bananas

Bananas are your best friend! While you were drunk and peeing like a racehorse, lots of potassium drained from your body. Eating a banana bursting with potassium will give you some giddy-up and go. All you have to do is peel and eat.

2: Ginger Root

Ginger has long been used to treat nausea and seasickness. And, since having a hangover is much like being seasick, this easy remedy works wonders. If you're really green, the best bet is to drink ginger ale (no preparation required). If you can remain vertical for 10 minutes, brew some ginger tea. Cut 10 to 12 slices of fresh ginger root and combine with 4 cups water. Boil for 10 minutes. Strain and add the juice of one orange, the juice of half a lemon, and 1/2 cup honey. Drink to your relief.

3: Honey and Lemons

The classic hot toddy (nonalcoholic, of course) is honey, lemon and hot water. Easy to swallow, this beverage replenishes fluids and sugars lost to a hangover. It is vital, however, to use honey instead of white sugar. Honey contains fructose, which competes for the metabolism of alcohol. Some healthy competition is needed, since it prevents the rapid change in alcohol levels that results in headaches. Plain sugar contains sucrose, which isn't absorbed as quickly. To make a toddy, boil 1 cup water and mix in honey and lemon juice to taste. Enjoy a toddy several times a day.

4: Rice, Toast or Soup

Food is probably the last thing you want to look at while recovering, but you do need some sustenance for energy. Stay with clear liquids until you can tolerate something solid. Then start off slowly with mild, easy-to-digest foods such as plain toast, rice or clear soup.

5: Sport Drinks

Sport drinks are a good way to replace fluids as well as electrolytes and glucose.

6: Ice

Put an ice compress on your aching head. Place crushed iced in a plastic bag, wrap in a dry towel and apply it to where it hurts. Or just rinse a washcloth under cold water, place it on your forehead and rest.

7: Juice

Juice, especially freshly squeezed orange juice, will help raise your blood sugar levels and help ease some of your hangover symptoms. However, if your stomach is upset, skip acidic juices such as orange juice and stick with apple juice instead.

8: Water

Next to time, drinking water is the best cure for a hangover. Dehydration does a doozy on your body and causes much of the discomfort associated with a hangover. Stick to water, be it tap, bottled or carbonated. Drink more than eight glasses a day while recovering.

9: More Dos and Dont's

• If you can remember one thing while intoxicated, remember this: Guzzle plenty of water before going to bed. It will help nip dehydration in the bud, and you'll feel much better in the morning.
• Stick to one drink (or less) per hour, and sip it slowly. One hour is about the time it takes for the average adult body to process an alcoholic beverage. One drink is a 5-ounce glass of wine, a 12-ounce beer or 1.5 ounces of hard liquor.
• Rest. Pull the shades down, unplug the telephone and go to sleep.
• Never drink and drive.
• Try Pepto-Bismol or an antacid to relieve queasiness and settle your stomach.
• Take a multivitamin with B vitamins to replace those lost during your night of carousing.

Home Remedies: Uses for Vinegar

Vinegar has had a long history of helping a number of ailments -- scurvy, cholera, diphtheria, high fever, dysentery, urinary infections, scarlatina, tonsillitis, hoarseness, external inflammations, contusions, joint injuries, apathy, obesity, hay fever, asthma, rashes, food poisoning, heartburn, bad eyesight, brittle nails, and bad breath...to name a few.

Modern science doesn't endorse all of the traditional uses of vinegar, but if offers endless healing qualities.

We'll start with those stubborn aches and pains:

Backaches: Soaking in a bathtub of hot water and 2 cups vinegar for 30 minutes will help relieve a minor backache and soothe sore muscles.

Headache: To ease a headache, lie down and apply a compress dipped in a mixture of half warm water and half vinegar to the temples. Also try an herbal vinegar such as lavender to provide aromatic relief.

Leg Cramps: Ease the pain of a leg cramp or other cramp in the body by using a soft cloth soaked in full-strength vinegar as a compress.

Muscle Sprain: Apply a paste of white wine, vinegar, and bran to a recent sprain.

Use a towel soaked in hot vinegar as a compress to ease the pain of a recent muscle strain or sprain. Apply for 20 minutes at a time. If the pain persists, consult a physician.

Ready for flu season!

When flu hits, there's no time to lose. You need to be ready to fight the battle, and vinegar can help.

Cough: Sprinkle your pillowcase with apple cider vinegar to control nighttime coughing.

Respiratory Congestion: To treat head or chest congestion, add 1/4 cup vinegar to a vaporizer, and run it for an hour or more.

Sinus Congestion: Breathing in steam from a vaporizer can be beneficial in treating the facial pain of a sinus infection. Add 1/4 cup vinegar to a vaporizer and breathe in deeply.

Sore Throat: Vinegar can be used for a sore throat. Use 1 teaspoon per 8 ounces of water, and gargle.

When Summer's Not Fun

Summer offers a lot of fun possibilities, but it does have its dangers. Vinegar can help with summer hazards.

Bee Stings and Bug Bites: Use vinegar mixed with cornstarch to make a paste. Apply the paste to a bee sting or bug bite, and let it dry.

Poison Ivy and Poison Oak: Soothe the rash from poison oak or poison ivy by using a vinegar compress. Mix 1/2 cup vinegar in a 1-pint container, then add enough water to fill the container. Chill the container in the refrigerator. When it is cool, dampen a cloth or gauze with the solution, and apply to the rash.

Sunburn: Vinegar has a cooling effect on sunburn. Splash it over the sunburned area, then lightly rub into the skin. Or simply cool sunburn with diluted vinegar in a spray bottle. Spray on the affected area.

Home Remedies: Oily Hair

You wash and style your hair every morning, but within a few short hours, it looks stringy and dirty. You, like millions of others, have oily hair.

But don't get mad at those glands for doing their job. Oil protects your hair shafts from breaking, keeps your scalp in good condition, and gives your hair that nice, healthy-looking sheen. Unfortunately, sometimes it's overzealous.

So why does the dipstick measure too much oil? Several factors can be responsible, including:

• Heredity: If your dad had oily hair, chances are you will, too.
• Hormonal fluctuations: In adult women, it may come with the menstrual cycle or using birth control pills. In teens, it's just part of the ever-embarrassing teenaged experience -- oily hair, zits, the works. When the hormones simmer down, the problem usually evens out.
• Bulking up: Excessive oil is a side effect of using androgenic hormones to increase body mass.
• Hair texture: Fine hair is often oilier than coarse hair because it takes up less room on the scalp. This means people with fine hair are usually crowned with lots more of it than people with coarse hair. And the more hair there is, the more oil because each follicle is supplied with two to three oil glands.

Diet's Not to Blame
Take notice that diet is not one of the oil-producing culprits listed. That's because diet doesn't play much of a role in the development of oily hair, contrary to what many people believe. Eating French fries won't send the grease directly to your scalp unless you rub your French fries through your hair.
The good news is that oily hair can be managed successfully with home remedies, including things you'll find in your very own kitchen.

Home Remedy Treatments for Oily Hair

Although oily hair might be troublesome, it is relatively easy to control with the following home remedies. Follow these simple steps, and you'll be on the way to the hair you've always wanted.

Shampoo often. Don't worry about overdoing it. If you have oily hair, shampooing every day is a good idea.

Use a "no-nonsense" shampoo. Often, shampoos have all kinds of additives and conditioners in them. People with oily hair need a good solvent-type shampoo, one that will cut the grease. To give your shampoo a boost, you can even add a few drops of dishwashing liquid. If you don't like the idea of putting dishwashing liquid on your head, there are plenty of commercial shampoos that will cut through the excess oil, including old standbys such as Prell and Suave and any number of generic and store-brand shampoos. Normal hair needs a shampoo with a pH (which refers to its acid/base balance) between 4.5 and 6.7, but oily hair requires a more alkaline (or base) product. Look for shampoos with a pH higher than 6.7 -- or, simply, those labeled for use on oily hair.

Rinse thoroughly. Whatever shampoo you use, be sure you rinse thoroughly. Soap residue will only collect dirt and oil more quickly.

Forget conditioners. Conditioners coat the hair, something oily hair doesn't need. Apply a small amount of conditioner only to the ends if they've become dried out.

Don't brush your hair too much. Forget 100 strokes. Every time you drag that brush through your hair, you're pulling oil out of the scalp and distributing it throughout your hair.

Try an acidic rinse. One way to decrease the oil is to rinse with diluted vinegar or lemon juice after shampooing. Add two tablespoons white vinegar to one cup water, or mix the juice of one lemon (strained) with one cup water. Rinse the mixture through your hair, then rinse your hair with warm water.

Home Remedies from the Cupboard

Alcohol. Any kind of alcoholic beverage has a nice drying effect. The higher the alcohol content the better. Mix a shot glass full of alcohol with a couple cups of water and rinse through your hair. Yes, you have to rinse it out. And don't drink the rinse water!

Cider vinegar. Soak your hair in a small basin of water with 1/4 cup cider vinegar -- or put the concoction in a spray bottle and rinse through your hair, then wash out with warm water. This helps control nasty shampoo buildup.

Tea. Rinse your hair in diluted tea. Tea contains tannic acid, an astringent, which can cut the oil.

Home Remedies from the Refrigerator

Beer. Beer can have a drying effect, and it cleans right down to your scalp, leaving your hair with a healthy shine.

Lemon juice. Mix the equivalent of the juice from 1 lemon with 1 cup water and rinse through your hair, then rinse with warm water. Lemon juice can help control shampoo buildup, too.

Now you've got plenty of fun home remedies for oily hair to try at home. Figure out what's best for you, and enjoy the soft, silky results!.

Home Remedies: Dry Hair

Oily hair is a drag, but dry hair is no picnic, either. Dry hair is dull hair, and it looks the same after you wash it as it did before. Everyone has bad hair days, but with dry hair you may have those days more often than not.
Along with dry hair, you may also have a dandruff problem. Although it's more often a condition associated with oily hair, people with dry hair get dandruff, too. Common dandruff is simply a layer of skin shedding from your scalp. When the skin cells get trapped on your scalp by your hair and clump together, you have dandruff. And dandruff can make your hair look dull.
Dry hair can result from external factors, such as exposure to harsh chemicals, or from internal causes, such as an illness. These are the primary external factors for those lackluster locks:

• Harsh shampoo
• Shampooing too often
• Hair dye
• Hair perms
• Chlorine in swimming pools and hot tubs
• Overuse of the blow dryer or curling iron
• Too much exposure to sun and wind
• High mineral content in local water supplies

External factors are easy to remedy. You just need to be careful about how you treat your hair, cutting back on activities that cause it to become dry. Switch products. Wear a cap when swimming. Cover your head when you're outside in the sun for prolonged periods.
Internal factors, though, don't have quite such a quick fix. Internal factors that cause dry hair include:

• Cancer treatment
• Certain medications
• Nutritional deficiency
• Prolonged illness

­Before you start to panic, read all the simple home remedies for dry hair. Chances are you'll find something that will put the luster back in your locks.

1: Be Careful With Shampoo

Shampooing too often is one of the most common causes of dry hair. Many people believe that squeaky-clean hair is healthy hair, so they wash it one or more times every day. But shampoos often contain harsh cleaning agents that can strip away your hair's natural oils, which help hold in moisture. On the other hand, a gentle shampoo will stimulate the oil glands, so you probably shouldn't go longer than three days without a good lather.
The ideal shampoos for dry hair have a pH of between 4.5 and 6.7, but here's a good rule of thumb: Don't use any hair cleanser that you wouldn't put on your face. Some people recommend baby shampoos, but their pH is usually far too high; such alkaline shampoos dry out the hair. Acidic shampoos are better for your hair. 

2: Be Kind to Your Hair

Dry hair is the most fragile type of hair and is subject to breakage, so it must be handled with care. When lathering, be gentle. Avoid any pulling or yanking on your hair in any way, which strains the hair shafts. Don't scrub with your fingernails, which can not only break the hair but irritate your scalp. Work up a lather using your fingertips, instead.  Gently rubbing your scalp with your fingertips will also stimulate the oil glands.

3: Pour on the Conditioner
Strawlike hair needs conditioning. Look for products that contain little or no alcohol, which will dry out hair even more. Reading labels will help, but it might be simpler just to take a whiff before you buy: Conditioners with little or no fragrance tend to be low in alcohol or contain none at all. If your hair is really dry, consider using an overnight conditioner, which you apply before going to bed (you sleep wearing a shower cap) and rinse off in the morning.

4: Use Hot Oil

Hair-care professionals often recommend hot-oil treatments to repair dry, damaged hair. Over-the-counter hot-oil products are available that you heat and place on the hair for 5 to 20 minutes (according to package instructions). Wear a plastic bag or shower cap over your hair while the hot oil is on, then wash the hair thoroughly with a gentle shampoo.

5: Brush Less

Despite what you may have heard, too much brushing can actually fracture the hair, causing it to fall out. Fragile, dry hair is even more vulnerable to excessive brushing. Always brush hair gently and never when it is wet (use a comb, carefully, when hair is wet). The type of hairbrush you use is important, too. Boar-bristle brushes or "vent" brushes are good choices, since their rubberized tips don't pull the hair excessively.

6: Hold the Heat

Using hot combs, hot rollers, and blow-dryers is asking for dry hair. Hot rollers are the worst because they stretch the hair while the heat shrinks it. Hot combs also tend to stretch the hair while exposing it to heat. If you must use artificial heat, keep your blow-dryer on a low setting and avoid pulling or stretching the hair while drying.

7: Pace Your Hair Treatments
If you perm on Tuesday, dye your hair on Thursday, and put it in hot rollers on Saturday, your hair is destined to be dry and damaged. You don't have to abandon styling practices such as dyes, permanent waves, or hair straightening if you have dry hair. Just keep in mind that it's important to space those treatments out as much as possible.

8: Try Vinegar

There are several ways you can help your dry hair with vinegar. Vinegar is a great conditioner and can improve cleanliness and shine. Just add 1 tablespoon vinegar to your hair as you rinse it. Keep a travel-size plastic bottle of vinegar in your shower for this purpose, and take one when you travel, too. Since dandruff can make your hair look dull, use vinegar to make dandruff disappear. Massage full-strength vinegar into your scalp several times a week before you shampoo. Or, a brief soak in vinegar and water before you shampoo can help control dandruff as well as remove the dulling buildup from sprays, shampoos, and conditioners.

Add 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar to a small basin of water and drape your hair into it. As an alternative, you can put the concoction in a spray bottle and apply it to your hair. A conditioner that controls dandruff and gives your hair a healthy shine can be made by mixing 2 cups water and 1/2 cup vinegar. Apply the conditioner after rinsing out your shampoo, and let it stay on your hair for a few minutes before rinsing thoroughly with water. If you need a stronger treatment for dandruff control, use this same method, but keep the rinse on your hair for 1 hour, covered with a shower cap. Then rinse it out. This vinegar rinse will also help control frizziness in dry or damaged hair.

9: Use Eggs for Shine
To clean hair and give it a super shine, whip an egg into tepid water (not too hot or you'll be dealing with a poached egg), then lather it into your hair. Rinse it out with tepid water or that egg will poach right on top of your head. To deep-treat damaged hair, give it a healthy sheen, and cure dryness right down to the roots, use this pre-shampoo conditioning treatment: Mix together 3 eggs, 2 tablespoons olive oil or safflower oil, and 1 teaspoon vinegar. Apply it to your tresses, cover with a plastic cap, and leave it on for 30 minutes. Then shampoo as usual.

10: Look in the Cupboard

Nuts and seeds. Try snacking on some seeds and nuts. They contain essential fatty acids that can pop that sheen right back into your hair.

Avocado and banana. Mash a little overripe banana and avocado together, spread in your hair, and leave it there for up to an hour. Then rinse with warm water.

Beer. After your shampoo, rinse your hair with a little beer. This can help restore shine.

Mayonnaise. You'll need the full-fat kind, not a diet or low-fat version. Slather 1 tablespoon or so onto your hair, rub it in down to your scalp, then cover with a plastic cap and wait about 30 minutes. Rinse it out thoroughly or you'll be craving tuna salad the rest of the day.

Oil. Rub a little oil into your scalp. Olive oil works well, as does coconut oil. After you rub it on, cover your hair with a cap and leave it on overnight, then shampoo and rinse the oil out in the morning.

Ways 2 Keep your Relationship Healthy

1. Love eachother.
2. Don't lie.
3. Keep communication open.
4. When you get hurt, forgive & forget.
5. Never talk about break-ups.
6. Never say "it's okay", even when it's not.
7. Forget about "pride".
8. If you say "sorry", mean it.
9. Don't compare your past with your present.
10. Give & Take process.
11. Don't talk about your ex's.
12. Beware of his/her feelings.
13. When you've had a fight, don't let the day pass.
14. Don't be only partners, but best-friends.
15. Don't flirt with another guy/girl.
16. HAVE FUN, go out!.
17. Don't treat their forgiveness like it's expected.
18. Don't hide hwat you're thinking, tell them.
19. Remember: we all make mistakes & have pasts.
20. Don't question eachothers feelings.
21. Don't take him/her for granted.
22. Never go to bed angry.
23. Don't be afraid to be you.
24. Have time, energy & effort.
25. Don't lose yourself in the "us".
26. Don't say things you don't mean.
27. Little things make big differences.
28. Give eachother space, don't be over possessive.
29. Don't spend every waking minute with together.
30. Be independent, not dependent.
31. Keep your promises.
32. Give as much as you take.
33. Offer help anytime you can.
34. Tell eachother how you feel instead of keeping it in.
35. Always tell the truth, no matter what.
36. Don't let arguments end it.
37. Be honest with eachother.
38. Don't be jealous (evil - vengeful jealous)
39. When you don't like something, speak your mind.
40. Be true to eachother.

A Few Benefits of Being a Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We never ejaculate prematurely.
4. When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
5. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look hot - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
6. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
7. We've never lusted over a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
8. Taxis stop for us.
9. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
10. We don't look like a disjointed pinocchio when dancing.
11. Free moving (you get the point).
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
13. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
14. We know The Truth about whether size matters.
15. If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
16. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
17. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
18. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
19. No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
20. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
21. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
22. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
23. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
24. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
25. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
26. We always find room for more shoes.
27. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
28. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
29. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
30. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
31. We habe boobs (point made).
32. We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
33. We know that new shoes will make us feel better when we are down.
34. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
35. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
36. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
37. We get to be pregnant.
38. We can cry and not get made fun of.
39. If we don't know anything about cars, it's okay.
40. We can be emotional and blame it on that time of the month.
41. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies.
42. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
43. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
44. We have way more hair options.
45. We can carry everything we need in a purse, if we want to.
46. We have the little black dress.
47. There is no need for us to act ridiculous to "prove" that we're real women. 
48. We can fix scratches on our cars with nail polish or a sharpie pen.
49. No matter what we drive, we look good in it.
50. We can close our eyes and flinch at a bloody war movie or a horror movie and no one will care.
51. We can borrow clothes and mix and match, from any of our girlfriends or sisters etc, instead of having to go out and buy something.
52. We can act a little childish and it seems cute.
53. We can pull over and ask for directions and get lots of help if we're lost.
54. We know how to pump our own gas.
55. If we have a flat tire we can get help without having to worry about seeming "unmanly." 
56. We can freak out over a mouse or bug without looking foolish.
57. We can have long hair without looking like a 1980's metal rocker.
58. We can wear pink without looking like a sissy.
59. Barbie is a doll, not an action figure.
60. We can call our female friends "girlfriends" and not sound like lesbians.
61. We can wear dresses, skirts and other cute things.
62. Lipgloss, lipgloss, lipgloss.
63. Makeup, makeup, makeup.
64. We can wear flower printed clothing without looking like a waiter from a cruise.
65. We're NOT men.

Trying to Fit In with your Man

We have to be careful of placing too much emphasis on our belief that we have so much in common with a man, when in reality, if he’s not in the relationship with both feet or has already bolted, you don’t share the right common ground.

Because we find it all too easy to sideline ourselves, two things can happen that are dangerous:

He makes himself number one and you make him number one, which is why you don’t have the common interest of a relationship. You certainly don’t even share a common interest of YOU.

You think you have a lot in common when in actual fact, you’ve morphed to fit in with him.

The most common example of this is when you date a guy and because he can’t commit, and he pulls disappearing acts, treats you badly etc, you then decide that it must mean you don’t want a relationship and you let him pretty much abuse what little boundaries that there are left. Suddenly you have assumed the role of the girl who understands her man and is letting him do his thing.This is why it is important to have boundaries and values and to maintain your position.

If you adjust your yardstick to accommodate chump behaviour from men in the name of having a common ground and keeping the relationship, not only will you waste even more time on these men but you will lose your sense of self.

The reason why so many women struggle to let go of assclown men and to No Contact is because by the time you’ve finished morphing to fit in with his agenda, you don’t know who the f*ck you are anymore.

Yes relationships do involve some compromise but actually that doesn’t involve compromising your values and boundaries, or yourself.

No real relationship between two people is going to flounder because one person loves Star Trek and the other likes Sex and the City. Trust me, I know this because the boyf loves all sorts of science fiction sh*te and it’s got sweet f all impact on our relationship. He loves watching football (soccer) and all sorts of annoying sports, has some eclectic taste in music, cycles sometimes (I’m not the exercising sort), and watches annoying guy films with people like Jean Claude van Damme and that stupid man with the pony tail.
Relationships are the sum of two individuals and whilst it is handy to have things in common, it is ok to maintain some individuality too.

Morphing, which in its worst form is when you shelf your own interests, aspirations, values, etc to take on those of your partner, is another form of co-dependency, so of course when you break up with the guy after making him the centre of your universe and in essence, shelving yourself, it will feel like you are no longer an entity.

But let me ask, when do these guys ever try to fit in with YOU? They don’t.

If you have to ‘fit in’ and if you have to ‘adjust’ to feel like you’re on the same planet as him, you should be asking yourself why, because you are your own entity of value and if he doesn’t recognise this and value it, this ship can’t sail.

More importantly, if you don’t see yourself as an entity of value, there are plenty of assclowns out there waiting for you to hand over your life to them whilst they take a hands off approach and accept no responsibility.

Don’t be a morpher! If in doubt, write down everything that you have been doing with your assclown, and ask yourself how many of these things are genuinely YOU.

Defining the Relationship

Actions speak louder than words. His words don’t mean jack if he doesn’t back it up with actions. Whether they’re a big damn liar that lack the balls to be honest, or they have bitten off more than they can chew, when someone tells you that you’re in a relationship but then fails to behave like they’re in one, it’s because you’re not.

If a relationship is going well and ticking the boxes for the hallmarks of a good new relationship, you shouldn’t need to have a heavy discussion to define things. If the relationship is going well, you’ll both be eager to declare yourself in a relationship without either of you having to pull teeth. Even if a conversation was had, it would be pleasant.

Often, we are capable of defining things for ourselves without him having to open his mouth. The problem is that many people fail to exercise judgment and when they do, they do nothing with the information or compute it as anything but what it actually is. Much like actions speaking louder than words, we’d have much greater relationship success if we exercised judgment, paid attention to red flags, and followed our guts. If you feel bad in your relationship, you really don’t need him to confirm that for you and likewise, shouldn’t you know when you feel good?

People often try to define things too soon or too late. The jump the gunners and the late starters both make a rod for their own backs. The former are so eager to define things that they don’t even give themselves a chance to get to know the person and determine whether they want what they’re trying to define. The latter goes along with things and inadvertently ends up setting the tone and then decides to close the door after the horse has bolted. What is the point in trying to define things after you have been more than happy to be in a flimsy, ambiguous, relationship for an extended period of time, where he has already figured out that he can do what he likes with you?

Defining the relationship sets boundaries and removes ambiguity but the very act of doing it means that you either end up with a positive result, or you put the cat amongst the pigeons if you get an undesired result. Trust me when I say that defining things isn’t that scary a thing if you have good foundations for your relationship. It’s when you have rocky foundations that things can get out of control. People also forget that ‘defining things’ isn’t just about saying ‘we are exclusive’ ; ‘you are my girlfriend/boyfriend’or ‘I love you’. It’s actually about being honest about where you are and your intentions. It’s the get out moment for both of you.

Because people fear confrontation, they can inadvertently end up making decisions for their partner that they have no business doing. People should be honest about whether they have kids, they are separated, divorcing, married, attached etc but often fail to be, which means that they remove the opportunity for the other party to decide if this is something that they want to be involved in.

Defining the relationship is about honesty and displaying a level of maturity that can often be absent with people that fear the attendant emotions and situations that come along with being with someone and having to share themselves. Remember that relationships can only progress and thrive when both parties have both feet in the relationship, so regardless of what discussions are had about your relationship, check that you both have your feet in first.

Men: Tech Communication

Let me be clear. Nobody, and I really do mean no-frickin-body is soooo busy that they can only manage to text, email or instant message you.


Nobody is so busy that they can only bring themselves to call you when they need an ego massage or a shag. If they can call you for a shag or an ego stroke, they’ve got time!

When a man relies primarily on text messaging, instant messenger, and email for communicating with you, it’s not because he’s a new age man, it’s not because the written word is his tool, and it’s not because he is trying to manage his time effectively.


He is a tool! He is using ‘new’ forms of communication to control you and how often you both correspond so that he can control the relationship. He wants to keep at a distance, and it’s likely that he’s emotionally unavailable, an assclown, or both.


He is LAZY! When a man is too lazy to communicate with you properly, why waste the air you breathe on him? Trust me, if lazy communication exists in your relationship, there are other problems lingering there just waiting for you to open up Pandora’s box.


Whatever excuses you’ve been making about why you both spend so much time texting or online – STOP! You are either saying bullsh*t to avoid the reality of him or repeating things that he has given you as an excuse for his rubbish relationship behaviour.


Have you ever spent loads of time analysing an email? I have!


Have you ever reread a text trying to gauge the meaning or read waaay more into it?


Have you spent ages agonising over when he’s going to respond to these forms of communication?


Have you wonder why you have to have conversations with him in a series of symbols and flirty IM”s even though you’ve been with him for 18 months?


Wondering if he has a wife or girlfriend stashed away?


Wondering why it took him so long to respond yet you know he’s been active within on his regular dating site because it says so?


Have you ever looked back on your ‘relationship’ and suddenly realised that you rarely spoke with each other in between meeting up?


Texting, instant messaging, and email are all open to interpretation and it’s very easy to misconstrue tone. If he relies on these means of communicating, you will build sandcastles in the sky because really, when you spend your time reading into things, you can make it any relationship that you want!


It’s one thing if he uses these forms of communication as secondary ways of communicating with you in conjunction with picking up the phone and seeing you face to face, but I certainly would not accept these means as your primary method of communication.


Men who don’t make an effort and who aren’t interested in forging a proper relationship with you will opt for these lazy forms of communication.


You may start out this way, particularly if you meet online but he should want to progress the conversation and let you into his life and quite frankly, men that keep you out are lazy communicators, lazy dates, and even lazier pseudo ‘boyfriends’.


You don’t need to work out the why’s, where’s and how’s and I certainly would not go down the route of trying to force him to communicate with you via other means – why should you have to force him to do something that comes naturally to people who actually want to have a relationship and want to put both feet in?


If this is the type of man you have, consider it a danger warning and start looking at your relationship in a more real light.


So in summary, if he doesn’t progress from these forms of communication – it’s a danger signal, period. If you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what he meant by his latest ‘message’, it means you’re not communicating directly enough and I would also take this as a mega warning signal.


If he only makes contact with you on an ad hoc basis – often when he wants or needs something – and then disappears till his next one line text message or stupid email, danger alert!


If you’re with a guy like this, you need to be asking yourself why you’re prepared to accept virtual crumbs…

Men: Pushey Pulley Game

One of the most frustrating of all the Dating Games is the Pushey Pulley Game (PPG).
Everyone, at some point, has been a victim of the PPG. You meet someone who you like, and who professes to like you. You date, or hook up, and then, for some unknown reason, they pull away, they ignore you, and/or they do something nasty. When you get upset and ask if there’s something wrong, they tell you that everything is fine, and they’re still interested. They will do this until you believe them, then they’ll repeat the cycle of ignoring you, pulling away and/or doing something nasty. And then rinse and repeat, and rinse and repeat, and rinse and repeat, until you eventually figure out that they’re full of sh*t and end the game yourself.


There are two main types of Pushey Pulley men.


Type #1 is ‘The Coward.’ This guy isn’t playing the PPG to be malicious; he’s just not interested or has something else going on, and is too much of a coward to be honest about it, so he continues to profess interest while blowing you off. He probably won’t contact you a lot, if at all, but when pressed, he will always tell you that he likes you, but is just too busy.


Type #2 is ‘The Malicious Bastard.’ This guy plays the PPG because he wants something from you (i.e. sex, gifts, revenge, ego boost, etc) but he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He may wine you and dine you one week, and then the next week will stand you up, and when you get upset, he’ll have a million excuses and may even blame you for his behavior. Then he’ll reel you back in with fancy words and maybe some more wining and dining, and then he’ll do something cruel again. ‘The Malicious Bastard’ will go to great lengths to continue playing this game with you and will always initiate contact, and keep it going indefinitely, or until he’s achieved his desired end.


The PPG is easy to identify. Simply put, his words will not match his actions. He’ll tell you that he likes you but he won’t call. He’ll tell you he wants to spend time with you, but he’ll never ask you out and will use the excuse that he’s too busy or he’s going through a hard time. He’ll tell you that he’ll be there for you, but will make excuses if you actually ask for help. He’ll tell you that he wants a relationship with you, but is prevented from getting too serious because he’s still dealing with an ex or he’s still not over his last relationship. These Pushey Pulley Men are, generally (and especially The Malicious Bastard) very good actors. Most of them are accomplished liars, possess no scruples and, from extensive experience, know just what to say to women to make them believe their lies. If they frequently use phrases that begin with, ‘You are the only one I ever’ or ‘I’ve never done (X) before I met you,’ etc, it’s generally a sign that they’re lying. Pushey Pulley Men will say and do things to make you think you’re special, and that’s how they will keep reeling you in.


Other signs to look out for are verbal and emotional abuse. Generally, if you catch them in a lie, or you protest about some mistreatment you’ve received, they will immediately turn the tables and insult you somehow, or act as if their behavior is your fault.


In the dating world, it’s nearly impossible not to experience it at least once. However, the best way to avoid ever having to deal with it is to recognize the signs as early on in a relationship as possible. If he lies, if he’s verbally abusive, if he insults himself, if he makes promises he doesn’t keep, if he is still hung up on or somehow tied to an ex or an old relationship, there’s a strong likelihood that you’re going to be dealing with Pushey Pulley Bullshit. And, the number one rule of thumb to remember is that if his actions do not match his words, he’s playing the PPG.


Let’s get smart, girls and stop being pawns in this ridiculous game!.

Relationships: Revealing Your Past

Number of Sexual Partners


It’s true that there isn’t a good answer to this question but for different reasons when it comes to women. Ideally the only number that men want to hear is ‘one’, i.e. them… As unrealistic as this is in this day and age, many guys don’t like to feel like they are one in a long line. If they had their way, you’d be an experienced virgin… what a contradiction. If you slept with only a few men, they either pat themselves on the back for getting a fairly innocent woman (although some will still think the number is too high) or they think you’re lying… If the number is too high, they think you’re a slut…even if it’s less than their number…
I recommend that couples don’t discuss numbers of sexual partners. Nothing good will come of it and it’s a stupid conversation. The type of information that is important is whether you have been tested and are sexually healthy.


Past Relationships


Ex talk should not enter the conversation on the first few dates as you should have more interesting things to talk about. People make inaccurate judgments and draw their own conclusions, rightly and wrongly. Spill too much about your ex in the early stages and the guy won’t be able to help but adjust his behaviour so as not to appear to be anything like him. When you do get to talking about your past, it’s about striking a balance. The key is that you shouldn’t be emotionally invested, whether that means you come across cold in an effort to look detached, or if you can’t speak about him without bitching and seething.


Unsavoury History & Hidden Past


Telling stories about your past antics when you mooned at a bunch of people or had a wild, crazy, week away with your friends is harmless. Your relationship, if it has good foundations…and a sense of humour, should be able to cope. But there are big things that do deal fatal blows to relationships such as hidden addictions or the fact that you’re a wanted serial killer…Or maybe you’re known all over the internet as an amateur pornstar. Probably best not to keep this type of stuff a secret!.


Wild Sexual Experiences


Unless you’re that kind of freaky couple that gets off on story time with your sexual past…don’t go down this route. It’s not funny and it sure isn’t clever. Much like your magic number of sexual partners, your exploits are open to interpretation and judgment. It’s better to create your wild sexual experiences with your current partner and leave the past sex…in the past. If you need to talk about it so much, I have to wonder how much interest you have in your current partner.

Relationships: Age Gap

If I say Demi and Ashton, Tom and Kate, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, Calista Flockheart and Harrison Ford, Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn, and Madonna and Guy Richie, whilst they have their quirks (don’t get me started on TomKat.) they all have age gap relationships in common. But for us normal folk out there that don’t have bags of cash to help PR our relationship and possibly even leapfrog over certain hurdles, it doesn’t always get to be love conquers all and happily ever after. People still make a big ordeal out of an age gap, whether it’s the people in the relationship, or those that are around them, and it can be surprisingly difficult to keep it together.

I’ve had a few relationships with guys that were between 2-5 years younger, haven't we all, younger or older, it proved to be disastrous. Talk about being bewildered as to how we transitioned from couple to overgrown baby and reluctant mother... or if older; know-it-all, been-there-done-that type, who more often than not wanted to change me and control me was pretty annoying and unpleasant.


When you’re in an age gap relationship your own insecurities, and either your domineering ways or submissive ways, can bring a whole host of issues to the table without ever having to put up with a sneering comment from family or friends.


If you’re older, you may worry that you’re too old, too controlling, a cradle snatcher, or that you or your friends are superior to your partners friends, and that’s just for starters. You’ll probably spend a lot of time with your head in the future trying to work out whether you have one and if you an merge your dreams and aspirations. On the flipside, if you’re younger, you may spend a lot of time thinking the sun shines out of your partners backside and that their word is law, or you may be a rebel, or worry that your friends will feel out in the cold with your older lifestyle, or worry about your family and friends reactions, or that you may be moving your life along too fast.


Like any relationship, age gap relationships take work, and whilst they may not take more work than others, they do take a certain type of work and understanding.


The most important opinions on your relationship are your own and both of you must be careful not to let outsiders influence how you may feel about or treat each other. However, for your relationship to work, it does mean that you both need to find a happy medium with your friends and family. Don’t force your relationship on them – let them see how well your relationship is working and involve them in your life. Only those who don’t truly care for your happiness will struggle to support you and your relationship. Be careful of being paranoid and making assumptions about your friends and family’s opinions that aren’t actually correct!


Your social lives may not merge as easily as you think but give it time and don’t expect that either one of you should give up your friends and family in order for the relationship to work, because this will eventually make one or both of you feel resentful.


You need to be united though for the relationship to thrive. This means that superiority and inferiority complexes can’t be the third person in your relationship. If you’re older, don’t assume you know best or patronise the crap out of your partner, and if you’re younger, don’t forget that you have a voice, they don’t know best, but don’t turn into a child or start being a rebel. It is key that the relationship strikes a balance and that you don’t slip into a parent/child relationship. You can both stand to learn a lot from each other and both of you have room for growth, not just the younger one.


Try not to leapfrog too far into the future because you may end up putting undue pressure on the relationship. If you spend a lot of time worrying about whether they will want the same things as you in five years, or whether they’ll run off, or how you will need to find someone your own age eventually, I have to ask – why the hell are you with them? Like any relationship, you need to manage your expectations and a healthy way of keeping things under control is to discuss them so that you’re both on the same page.


Most importantly, you both need to accept your age difference and embrace your individuality. There is no point in starting a relationship if you’re going to try and force your partner to act as if they’re the same age as you. Ultimately the age gap shouldn’t define and dictate your relationship; you both should and trust me when I say that if you break up, it’s not down to your age gap, it’s how you both handled it.

Relationships: Dodger or But Girl

Being in poor relationships and having poor relationship habits amounts to:

 “Why are we attracted to this kind of guy? What issues are we trying to cover up with ourselves to the point where we have to find a guy with more issues so we don’t have to deal with us. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.”

 The last line in particular is something that every woman who keeps expecting and demanding change from others and resisting the urge to take responsibility for her own outcome, needs to connect with.

 At some point, you have to stop the if’s, but’s, and maybe’s and quit the cycle of Relationship Insanity.

 Relationship insanity means that you are refusing to:

1) Get real and stop living in denial

2) Adapt your expectations
3) Accept responsibility for making your life different or better
4) Opt out
5) Stop wallowing
6) Stop attempting to force change.

 You are dodging responsibility and instead placing everything on him, so it’s his issues, his behaviour, what he says, what he wants, what he thinks, him, him, him.

 You then sit there and suck up all this crap and say:

• ‘But he was so nice to me at the beginning!’ or
• ‘But if he didn’t have the problems that he does, our relationship would work’, or
• ‘But I am the one doing everything to save the relationship’ or
• ‘But I love him unconditionally (even though I don’t actually know the mofo and he treats me like sh*t I’m gonna ride this bashed up donkey of love till it collapses)’, or
• ‘But whilst I know I have my issues, I don’t have as many as he does’, or
• ‘But because I have issues and wouldn’t want someone to be mean to me, I don’t want to be mean to him’, or
• ‘But I’m a really nice person so I want us to stay friends’, or
• ‘But I’m a really nice person so I can’t just cut contact’, or
• ‘But he says that he does like/love/care about me and I’m just needy and I probably am’, or
• ‘But I can’t understand why it’s over and I don’t want to get over this. I want to wallow in my pain and I want a definitive explanation for everything that has happened!’, or
• ‘But if he can be with her, there must be something wrong with me and that’s why I’m not able to change anything’….
• ‘But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!’

Ladies, don’t bullsh*t yourselves as you already have enough BS to contend with in your dating dalliances and relationships.

This whole waiting, willing, wanting thing all boils down to the same ole usual thing:

AVOIDANCE TACTICS

• Blaming him, saying ‘but’, avoiding taking responsibility for you and your own happiness is about avoidance.
• Doing the same sh*t, different week and expecting something different…is avoidance.
• Dating the same man, different package, and then wondering why it’s not working, is avoidance.
• You being the same person, with the same self-esteem issues, carrying the same suitcase of emotional baggage, with the same beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships, repeating the same patterns, and also expecting that someone who has behaved the same way 100 times will change on the 101st time because you think they should and you expect change, is about, yep, you guessed it, avoidance.

At some point, you have to ask yourself who died and left you in charge and said that you had all of the solutions to someone else’s problems and what they should do in a relationship when you yourself have your own issues to deal with!.

It is relationship insanity! If you put your hand in the fire ten times tomorrow, you can be damn sure, you’ll burn it ten times and do untold damage and it doesn’t matter that each time you put your hand in the fire you said ‘Please Mr Fire, do what I want and don’t burn me!’.

The fire with it’s nasty heat and flames has it’s own modus operandi and presents it’s consistent danger signals, so putting your hand in the fire is damn foolish.

You may not know the length and breadth of a mans problems within two seconds of talking to him or even a couple of dates, but people reveal things about themselves through their actions and their words and when you are around them on a consistent basis, they are actually teaching you what to expect from them, and in turn, how you choose to deal with whatever crap they put your way, not only teaches them what to expect from you, but also what they can and can’t get away with.

You are being told everything that you need to know through actions, signals, and often even words that you are refusing to listen to, or attaching a different meaning.

But if you’re a Responsibility Dodger or a ‘But Girl’, as long as the problems appear to be all lying at someone else’s door, you don’t have to change.

And ‘appear’ is the key, because at the end of the day, no matter how much we deny the reality of stuff, deep down we know and at some point, you have to take a leap of faith on you and start taking responsibility for your own outcome instead of focusing on and obsessing about dipstick assclowns.

Right now it’s all about him but what about how you feel? What about you want, need, think etc? It cannot all be about him!

Now you can make a choice and say ‘F*ck it, I like this pain and drama and I’m not ready to be responsible for my own happiness’ and not only is that your prerogative, but it’s also your choice and all you need to remember if you go with this option is that if you’re in pain and misery (especially if the relationship is already over), it’s you causing yourself the pain, not him.

Or you can put yourself in the driving seat, feel the pain, grieve, move on, heal, build your self-esteem and power your own life and feel infinitely better that you’re not freefalling through life waiting for some man, any man to pick you up and put you on the right path.

Relationships: Be Action Focused

One of the things that you will hear me repeatedly state when talking about relationships is:

Actions always speak louder than words.

You’ll realise if you have an ongoing pattern of being involved in dubious relationships with dubious men, that you buy too much into words and illusion, without paying too much attention to action.

This shouldn’t be a surprise to you if you have found that you struggle to let go of what you believed the relationship to be even in the face of real, hardcore evidence that says that he is not what you believed. We will often find when we are involved in these poor relationships that we spend too much time betting on potential and also projecting our idea of what we think they are or what the relationship could be.

What all of this suggests is that in order to find personal happiness, nevermind happiness within a relationship with another person, we must learn how to get real with ourselves.

Whilst I don’t doubt that it can be hard to let go of what we believed someone to be or what we thought we had, the unfortunate truth is that it only exists in your head.

At some point you have to decide if you want to put your feet on planet earth and get living, or whether you want to spend an extended period in purgatory thinking about ‘coulda, woulda shoulda’ and ‘if’s, but’s, and maybe’s’ because you refuse to accept the reality of the person you are dealing with, the relationship you had or didn’t have, and the reality of any issues that you may have.

Acceptance and often the change that results from it can be uncomfortable, especially when we have to face truths about ourselves, but if you’re stalling on letting go of the illusion, it’s time to start asking what the trade off is for you in continuing to delude yourself.

What is it about the illusion of the relationship, him, or yourself that works for you?

What truths do you avoid?

The reality is though, as many of you have discovered, it doesn’t matter how much you pretend and avoid the truth because it doesn’t change the reality and it only prolongs the agony.

You’re dodging an inevitable bullet and the inevitable pain that follows.

We have to stop obsessing about how wonderful things were in the beginning and look at the entire relationship and his consistent behaviour.

We have to stop saying ‘but he said…’ or ‘Why would someone say x when he really meant y?’ or ‘I don’t say things I don’t mean so he shouldn’t..’

There are times when we need to recognise that if everyone, especially assclowns and Mr Unavailables told us the whole truth and nothing but the truth, they wouldn’t get to take advantage and do what suits them.

You’re getting information on a need to know basis.

That, and there are also many women who hear but don’t listen anyway, and suffer with I Can Change Him syndrome…

Unless your guy is brutally honest (which would mean you’re suffering with a case of bad hearing), most cheats, whether they have a girlfriend or are married, are not going to say:

The reason I am with you is because I fancy you, I want to screw you, I want to talk about myself and have you on tap when it suits, and then skip on home to my wife/girlfriend. I like you but I don’t like you enough to sort my shit out and then come back when I’m done because I don’t like you in that way.

When you keep asking your guy if and when he’s going to leave his wife, consider this: what the hell would you do if he said “I’m not leaving her”?

If he was leaving, he would have left and if you have to keep asking, you should be putting aside what is being said and realise, he’s not leaving.

Likewise, a guy who doesn’t want to endanger his shag, ego stroke, and the security blanket of knowing that there is at least one woman out there that wants him, especially if he hasn’t lined up someone else to leap to, isn’t going to burn all of his bridges with you by being truthful.

This is why you need to improve your self-esteem and ensure that you engage with people who add positively to your life rather than detract from it. When you’re focused on your real happiness, you’ll be more aware of when people seek to blow a lot of hot air and cloak you in their illusion plus you won’t seek to project your own illusions on to them.

Ultimately, you have to be the more mature one and empower yourself so that you’re in control of your own life. You should want to be around people of substance that don’t just talk a fine line but are full of actions that reflect what they’re saying.

Nobody should be able to tell you that the sky is hot pink when it’s blue because you need to be real about what’s real. Likewise, you need to be action focused and when words and actions don’t match, YOU must take action.